Strange Thoughts of a Strange Man

Occasionally, when my train arrives late at Charing Cross there is an apology given over the tannoy. There is usually some reason given even if it is just the standard “train operating difficulties” which means that the train is broken.

I’ve noticed that for the past few times the announcer gets so far through the message before pausing:

“We’d like to apologise to passengers who have just arrived on platform 6 for the late running of this service. This is due to …”

Then we have the tiniest of pauses. It’s small but noticeable.

“… train operating difficulties.”

“… a trackside fire at Hither Green.”

“… congestion in the London Bridge area.”

“… a passenger being taken ill on an earlier train.”

The pause is probably due to the announcer (and it is a real person, I can tell) rattling off the first part without even thinking and then having to look up the reason for the delay but to us passengers it does sound like he is making it up as he goes along.

Labels: Charing Cross, Train, Trains

I know full well that I have blogged about all of these subjects before. I will undoubtedly blog about them in the future. You will just have to live with it.

This morning’s train was short by a couple of carriages so there was a bit of overcrowding by the time we got to Elmstead Woods. Instead of people just standing near the doors they were standing everywhere, including in the aisles. What annoyed me about this was that the woman who chose to stand next to me had a handbag that was poking me in the shoulder for the entire journey. She didn’t notice, of course, because she was very busy talking with her friend.

We got to Charing Cross a little late so I took the tube but I had to get on hurriedly and found myself crunched up against some woman who was wearing the rankest, strongest perfume I have ever smelt and I knew I would be sneezing (or suffocating) if I breathed it for too long. I was trying to work out if I would be able to hold my breath until we reached the next station or if it would be possible to discretely put my nose inside my coat when I noticed there was a bit of a breeze so I was able to orientate myself so that my nose was in the draft and I wasn’t able to smell her. At the next stop, however, I jumped off the train and ran up the train a few doors.

Didn’t she have a sense of smell?

Labels: bag, perfume, Train, Trains, Tube

Last night on the train home, I was trying as ever to complete the Soduko puzzle in the London Lite. I gave up, put my pen away and fished out my iPod to play a game or two of patience.

Then I noticed the guy across the aisle was trying to get my attention.

“Can I borrow your pen?” he asked. He was clutching a mobile phone and a newspaper. I assumed he needed a pen to write down a phone number or something like that.

“Sure,” I answered and passed it over. It’s not a greatly valuable pen - I bought it as part of a pack of 10 I found in a shop in Kowloon – but I like it. It’s small enough to fit in my trouser pocket without stabbing me when I sit down.

The guy took the pen and then started to work on a WordSearch puzzle in the paper.

I was a bit perturbed by this. Should I say something at this blatant cheek?

I did the British thing and kept quiet although I did leave one of my headphones out of my ear. Quite what good that would do, I don’t know. Perhaps I was worried he would start eating my pen or make a quick get-away at the next station.

All was resolved when he found the WordSearch as difficult as my Soduko and gave my pen back a few minutes later.

Labels: Cheek, Passengers, Train

On the way to the station, I passed three London Lite peddlars but I didn't pick one up because I knew, yes, knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had my iPod with me and that I would be able to spend the train journey listening to the next instalment of National Public Radio's version of Star Wars.

I didn't even say "no thanks" as I stomped past in my pre-Christmas grumpiness. Not once, not twice but three times.

Of course, as soon as I got on the train and sat down, I discovered my mistake and found that I'd left the iPod on my desk at work. Great! Nothing to keep the annoyances of the carriage out of my ears tonight or tomorrow morning.

And did I need it!

It was only a short journey as it was a fast train but it felt very long.

I wrote this in my notebook as I was sitting there ...

"I'm sitting opposite a man WHO CANNOT CHEW GUM WITH HIS MOUTH CLOSED and across the aisle from an idiot who doesn't know how to turn the beeps off on his mobile and is composing the longest text message known to man.

You'll understand why I have steam coming out of my ears."

One thing I absolutely hate without question is people eating noisily. I have mentioned it before. At least with normal eating it's over fairly quickly but with gum chewing it goes on FOREVER.

Noisy chewy bastards!

Labels: Chewing, Eatiing, Train

This morning I managed to catch the early train early enough to make my way down to the front half, pick a carriage at random and choose a seat. I had a block of six to myself. I always choose a seat on the end; I hate sitting next to the heater and I hate being at the mercy of people who don't think about getting up at Charing Cross until the train has come to a complete stop.

After a while the train left Orpington and the block of six began to fill up. The last place taken by a man getting on at Elmstead Woods. At Grove Park a woman and a small boy got on and walked past my seat to stand at the end of the carriage.

Had I been able to make eye contact with the woman I would have offered my seat but I couldn't and gave up on the idea. The woman across the aisle from me got the boy's attention and offered him her seat. I couldn't do that. It would be a no-no for a man.

While I was going through an internal dialogue wondering if I should offer my seat to the woman so that she could sit opposite her son, it turned out that the man sitting next to me knew the woman and they struck up a conversation. It also turned out that he fancied her as he rather rudely splayed his legs like he was an oven-ready chicken.

Logically it would have made sense for me to give up my seat but the legs and the way the man leant across me to chat to the boy made me stubborn. I didn't want to do anything to help him.

The woman was able to keep her eye on the son at all times from where she was standing (in fact better than if she was sitting in my seat and chatting with the man) and she was not pregnant. Had she been I would have offered the seat.

I felt very uncomfortable, however. Actually I think I was made to feel uncomfortable.

Should I have offered my seat?

Labels: Children, Dilemma, Morality, Train

It's October, nearly November. It's cold out. Gloves, hat and coat cold. And there was a huge bumblebee on the train this morning, a real one, not a guy in a bee suit.

It was flying angrily against the light fitting near the door. Sometimes it landed upside-down and rested. Not many people seemed to notice but I was transfixed.

I don't mind bees when there is plenty of room for me to get out of their way. I can stop and admire one flitting around in some flowers without a twinge but the moment I am trapped inside somewhere with one then I start to get edgy.

Being on a crowded train with the doors closed and a bee the size of a family car floating around not six feet away from me is a stressful situation. I didn't panic but I did not take my eyes off it from the moment I saw it.

I was knackered but extremely relieved when we got to Charing Cross.

Labels: Bee, Scare, Train

The Southeastern Railway site has a page called Live Running Information that you can check for current delays to your services. It's a little worrying that the picture they have chosen for the title is of someone playing cards.

What does this mean?

Is it supposed to be a couple of passengers playing cards because their train is stuck somewhere?

Or, worse, are they a couple of Southeastern managers gambling on which services are to be affected by "train operating difficulties" next?

Labels: Cards, Gambling, Southeastern, Train

Now, I haven't blogged about the other passengers on my train for a long time but tonight was exceptionally annoying.

Chair-kicking children and three people chatting on their phones in harsh-sounding languages that I could hear over my iPod, thank you very much.

I won't go into details. They're not important. Suffice to say I became rather miffed.

The icing on the cake came when I tried to get through the barrier and the man in front held his Oyster card on the barrier for a little too long. That usually makes the person after (i.e. ME) have an error with their card.

That nearly made me miss the bus.

Grrrrrr!

Labels: Passengers, phone, Train

...who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn't know what to do.

Oh, hang on! Yes, she did. I remember now.

She took them for a trip to London on my bloody train.

Honestly, children and commuters do not mix. If you must take the kids to London do it after the trains are less busy.

Or better yet, become a lesbian. It's cheaper.

Labels: Children, London, Train

I haven't ranted about the train for a long time. Nowadays, it takes an especially bad journey to give me enough of an incentive to want to write about it.

Today I missed the 8am train by a matter of seconds and so took the 8:20. I sat at the front and I was soon joined by a woman talking loudly on her phone just behind me and a couple of ladies applying makeup and sorting out their hair. This was before we left Orpington! However, the woman on the phone ended her call and the ladies in the salon finished tarting themselves up before the train got under way or I ceased to notice them.

All went well until we got to Grove Park when a large woman sat beside me, forcing me to lean into the aisle somewhat. Another equally large lady stood in the aisle beside me forcing me to lean back into the fat woman on the seat.

Meanwhile, a woman carrying way too many bags was poking me in the leg with her umbrella. It was her that I hated more than anyone else and I came within a hair’s breadth of actually saying something to her.

I didn’t say a word, however. I knew that the temptation to embellish my comments with sarcasm would get the better of me or I would come across as an incoherent loony and either way, I would look bad.

I’ve also seen a few similar situations devolve rather rapidly … shouting on the train or a stand-up fight in St Pancras tube station. I don’t want to be part of that.

What I will try to do is make sure I get the 8am or even the 7:56 train in the morning. That might mean walking. I need the exercise anyway.

Labels: Train